I wrote a few weeks ago that God had reignited the fire in me. That’s still true and I don’t want to you to think for one minute that it isn’t anymore. But there is one lingering question: What’s next?
I think some background info is necessary here:
I grew up in a very healthy and safe environment. I had everything I needed: loving parents and siblings, financial stability, good friends, a good education etc. So I thought the whole taking risks thing was something some people looked for but the responsible tried to avoid. I always had a sense of normality, doing what was expected and following the road most travelled. Not that I did everything expected of me, but I did the “normal” stuff (school, varsity, work). But I’ve always known that there was more to life than that.
In recent weeks I’ve often been confronted with the stories of people who took a step of faith. That is, they did what was necessary at a time when they had no idea how it would work out. I think God’s working on me. I rephrase, I KNOW he’s working on me. I think I’ve always had a fear of messing up. I have no idea why but I would often imagine these horrible consequences to choices that seemed out of the box. Unfortunately out-of-the-box thinking comes naturally to me and I’m tired of fighting it. I’ve read many books about dreaming with God, living out what the bible says, living with purpose etc. but that never did anything to diminish the fear. So I’m stuck in the middle between the fear of failure and the fear of missing out. I think this is where faith comes in. They press in from the side and I need to go forward.
Now, I’m not sure what that means practically. And that is the frustrating part for me. It could mean going in a new direction, or staying put, trying harder or taking a step back, listening more or speaking up… yes, I’m confused. I know 101% that I love Jesus and I’m not afraid to stand for that. But I don’t want to just be satisfied and I absolutely do not want to miss what God wants to do in and through me.
So I continue to ask God for wisdom so I can see situations and people through his eyes. I’m not looking for a to-do list. I don’t want a bunch of laws. I want to learn more and more what’s important to him and how I can be a part of it. I will keep you posted.
For now, I know that I will be serving as volunteer at Passion Pretoria on 26 September and I CANNOT WAIT!